Alright ladies (and men if there are any out there beside Michael Buble who read this!) let's talk pictures! A year ago I would say I was just your average photographer- you know the one who buys the disposable camera and everyone has to wait while you turn that annoyingly loud dial after each picture. Yea....um I basically have zero "good" pictures of Dennis when he was a baby. But hey I was an accountant- what am I suppose to know about pictures anyway.
Well.........hello Mommy world, hello new friends, hello my introduction to Mommy photography. Here are the rules- do not dare take out a camera that fits in your pocket. People will stare at you like naked Will Ferrell in Old School. Yep you will be "that" person. Do not even attempt to act cool by essentially trying to capture a cheetah running with your Polaroid. I mean you might as well have brought the old school camera that we had as kids (come on you know we all cried at Christmas when we got them- okay maybe that was just me)- the kind where you had to snap the flash on and you got maybe three pictures before you had to get a new flash!
The new rules allow you either to simply have the nagging paparazi take your photos. I mean come on we all know that they are waiting outside each of our houses. Did you see me on the cover of Runner's World last month- yep that was me and NO! editing was not necessary. I really just look that way- shocking I know!
Or if you prefer to act like a commoner and take your own pictures you must own either a Nikon or Canon. No fakes or substitutes will be accepted. You also must be friends with professional photographers. In fact as popular as Dennis and I are, we are friends with two- Jennifer Aniston and Charolette! You must also never use the camera strap that comes with your camera. Prada and Gucci are acceptable alternatives. Got it?
Okay now for the posing. Please know that I was a complete amatuer on this topic. I ALWAYS slam my chin as far back as possible and pull my shoulders forward. That pose always results in a super flattering photo and of course makes you look SUPER skinny. I know can you believe I gave you that advice for free!!!
Well really here is how posing works- Kelly Ripa, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston and Teresa perfected this pose last night. You don't believe me? Check TMZ! You see Juicy Joey threw Teresa a surprise party and of course we knew the paps would be there! So here it goes- tongue must touch the roof of your mouth while you smile, neck must stick out as far as possible (think ostrich style), hands must be on hips and arms at a 90 degree angle. This angle will eliminate any extra skin at the back of the arms from squishing into your body and will also hide the bra muffin tops. Not that I have either of those problems but I have heard they can be really annoying!!
We totally mastered this last nights- even Jennifer Aniston brought a new element with the strategic napkin placement- very sly! Can we just talk for one second about last night. With all these break-ups going on in Hollywood (think LeAnn Rimes and Jon and Kate) it was quite amusing to hear the stories from last night.
Michael and I fought the entire way to the party held in the VIP room of Chick Fil A. I mean Michael simply can not drive! Poor guy, who can blame him, he grew up in a town with the population of the size of Luby's on free dessert night. He didn't even take drivers ed- so of course, duh he can not drive on highways. Jessica and Nick had discussions about whether or not to feed Mouseketeer T chicken or tuna and Kelly Ripa and Regis fought about the fact that Kelly is pregnant yet AGAIN! Ahhh love my friends and the fact that we are all our own "normal". So refreshing! Happy Birthday Teresa- I must say as we discussed last night- girl it is not your miracle bra!!!
